Imposter Syndrome

So, it looks like I’ve had a breakthrough and for some reason I feel the need to share (perhaps overshare some might think) but because of what’s happened over the few days, I want to shout about it proudly and with excitement.

All of my life, due to certain events and such, I have for as long as I can remember thought I was stupid, unintelligent, and imposter syndrome has been rife, despite the fact that from all outside perspectives I have been successful in my professional life.

I never did get to university, nor get to follow a couple of of the pathways I wanted when I was little.

My biggest struggle has been around finances and mathematics, even though I have worked as an investor relations consultant for global companies (the deal was that as long as I didn’t have to drill down into anything financial, I was hired to hold corporate events as well as help advise executives and board members around the world how to be less “stiff” and produce well run and high quality quarterly conference calls, etc.

At the age of 45, with the encouragement of my then wife, I went back to the local community college in San Francisco and signed up for a math class to start collecting credits that I could apply to an associates degree at some point. I bawled my eyes out at the end of the first class when I went up and explained to the teacher about my fear and how my brain literally shuts down when instructions, questions and numbers start getting thrown in my direction. Now I know that my SNS was simply in overdrive, my bucket had overflowed and all learning had stopped.

This was the first tutor who said “cool, this is amazing and I’ll help you get through it.” I’m kicking myself now because I can’t remember her name but she was so patient and always took time outside of class to break things down for me until I understood it. She even arranged for me to take my final exam at a quiet little coffee shop away from the college while she enjoyed coffee and cake at a table a few seats away.

Roll forward to 2018 and my wife and I were living in Champagne, IL and I graduated from the local community college with an associate’s degree in communication and media production and a dog called Henry who was originally supposed to be my emotional support dog. We are still not sure who supports whom…. Henry failed at the task he was brought into my life for but due to his reactivity and perceived “aggression” and “naughtiness,” I had to stay “in the moment” to ensure he didn’t get himself into trouble. I went in search of help, which as a lot of people already know ended up with me getting things very wrong (“we don’t know what we don’t know”).

Around this time games-based training came along and my brain started to get excited about the possibilities for Henry and me. Given that I still had doubts about my intelligence, even though I was learning so much, I felt that in order to believe I was smart, I needed a “proper” qualification, and during the first quarter of 2025, I completed by studies for an accredited diploma in Holistic grooming as well as Level 4 in Canine behaviour, training and welfare.

Despite my business now in its 5th year and my knowledge ever-growing, I still question my ability on a regular basis. But with the help of an impending ADHD diagnosis and lots of therapy, I’ve started loving life and loving myself and the business I’m growing. “Judith” however, my alter ego, is always close to hand on my left shoulder to remind me that I am still crap and don’t know what I’m doing and my business is crap too……

NOW COMES ABSOLUTELY AMAZING BIT (if you’ve stuck with me on this, thank you).

After signing up to do the L6 Diploma last week, EVERYTHING about my thought process and focus seems to have shifted. I got excited and jumped out of bed to get on with things, and I confidently did a couple of meet and greets and appointments at the weekend and really felt in my gut that how I interact with dogs and guardians works, albeit in a crazy sort of way. It just felt right and I didn’t question anything I said to my clients.

The BIGGEST THING that’s happened over the weekend is that I CHOSE to purchase and start listening to one of Stephen Hawking’s books!!! Me, whose brain normally shuts down and Judith yells “don’t listen to that, you won’t understand it because you’re stupid!”

She’s right of course, I don’t understand it at first listen, but I’m absolutely loving how excited I’m getting listening to a load of information that although I don’t understand most of it, every so often there’s a little nugget I pick up that clicks into place and make me go “wow! I kind of get that bit”. Don’t ask me to explain black holes, quantum physics, or cosmology just yet, but I actually think if I go over it a few times and at a pace I can cope with, growth my knowledge just 1% at a time, I’ll get there before I know it (well, probably right as 18 months because I do like to leave things to the very last moment

).

I’m really really excited about the future. I'm on a path and mission to help more dogs and more guardians.

PS: Stephen Hawking is bloody hilarious too. If he was still around I’d thank him too.

I’ve got this.